rewrite.

by chelseakyaw

I spend a lot of time (here on the blog) really focusing on motherhood and my child and husband and family when what i really want to focus on is chelsea and other aspects of my life. but it’s hard. and i don’t know where to start. I’m not a single girl with dating adventures. I’m not rich and I don’t go on many extravagant travels. My diy craft opportunities are really few and far between due to my velcro child. I’m just honestly and simply a lady in the midwest with a camera, small family, and some spare time while my baby naps to update a blog or edit some photos. maybe i also go to target too much. i don’t have the mountains or a cool job anymore, so i’m stuck at what makes me stick out. not that i need to stick out or anything, but ya know? I’ve reached and connected with many cool mommas through this blog, and that makes me feel great BUT there’s gotta be more.

so if you’re reading this – what do you like to read? what simple but big things do you connect with? i’m interested in knowing! i don’t want to change who i am but maybe there’s something deep down that’s actually kinda exciting again. or maybe i’m just in a mood and this entry is really nothing? maybe i’m feeling this way because i’ve been watching sex and the city and if they had a fifth friend who stayed home and moved to Iowa, then i would be that friend?

anyway. one thing i’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on is how much my life has changed in such a short time. as humans, we really can take a lot. and sometimes a lot of change and new things can be really stressful and make a weird impact on who we are. i did not suffer a trauma or endure any kind of heart wrenching event, but a lot happened. my life has done a complete 180° and it’s taking a long time to adjust.

in 2015 this time of the year, we just randomly decided we would move to Denver. I had just gotten my second degree and was feeling like a new place would bring some career changes and opportunities that maybe this place we’ve been stuck in for 25+ years wouldn’t. In August we spent most of our money getting to colorado and making our place home. we started new careers and got married and began what was honestly the best time of our lives. arnold was a traveling computer IT guy with Dell and i worked at a college as an advisor. on our days off we would travel Colorado and hike and take photos and adventure. Shortly after, arnold got a position with Microsoft. My roll at my job was so good. I was also volunteering and taking leadership steps at work to help my resume and began a masters in Education. Our lives were full and it was time to start a family —- nine months later, Forest. 🖤

It’s truly amazing what having a baby does to you in the sense that you think you know what you want but you don’t until you hold that baby in your arms. As soon as I held forest i knew i couldn’t just give him back to another care taker and that my job was to be a mom. Our lives in Colorado wouldn’t fit like they used to and we made the really hard decision to move home. Mostly because it’s cheaper here in Iowa. Being a SAHM here is allowing us to live a similar lifestyle as we had in Colorado. We have time and money to spend together. I get to raise my baby and have the peace of mind that he’s safe and well loved all day. I do however struggle every day with a sort of respect that i feel that i’ve lost. I work a job where i feel stupid and like i don’t matter. It’s draining and when you go from being pretty successful and respected and half way done with your masters to working a job with convenient hours to help out with the household, it sucks. I’d really rather spare you all with how i feel some days when i get home from work, but some days im just so worn out in all aspects. I have to remind myself every day that you do what you have to in order to make what really matters work. I’m also trying to boost my photography business again and forcing myself to work harder through bull shit instead of letting it hold me back.

So all of these changes, like i’ve said, can take some adjusting time. I kinda feel like I’m in a necessary transition period where this time in my life will make path to a better time. Where, in a few years, I can look at people and situations that stress me out now and know that i’ve grown from that. A time to learn that how people treat me is more of a reflection on them and not me, and that being a SAHM with nothing exciting is actually really great.