Tag: challenges

megan’s truth • motherhood

I’m just going to start this post with something like, I’ve written a thousand different beginnings and none of them seem to feel right or good enough for what I have to share about Megan. Talking with Megan has been so refreshing – refreshing in the fact that I feel like someone gets what I’ve been going through. Isn’t that the point of this all, though? To connect mothers and women with similar stories so we don’t feel alone? PPD is so hard to explain and talk about; it’s hard to type about it and find the right verbiage for how it made you feel and examples of things that triggered you.

When I spoke with Megan, I just connected with her and her story. Basically, PPD sucks. It just feels like a whole lot of terrible shit all at once. One thing that really connected me with Megan was her openness and honesty about not wanting to or being able to bond with her baby. I think when someone hears you say that, it can go two different ways. The first being “How can a mother not want to bond with her baby? That’s terrible.” Or the second, and the one I felt so much, “Thank you for saying this out loud because I feel the same and it’s the hardest feeling to admit.”

It’s hard to compare the two experiences because I could focus on Loc 100% since he was an only child. With Elodie as our second child she had a lot less one on one time. Partly because I didn’t want to and partly because logistically I couldn’t. One of my favorite things to do when Lochlan was a baby, was to snuggle nap him on my weekday off. Wednesday’s were regularly filled with cleaning while wearing him, staring at his beautiful grumpy old man looking face, and allowing him to nurse for as long as he wanted in the afternoon. One day we both fell asleep and he was latched for 5 hours. Dishes could wait. I was able to snuggle my boy uninterrupted and nap! Glorious. With Elodie I never did that and never really wanted to. I remember wanting to want to, if that makes sense? I tried to justify it for my own sake—

If you have felt that way or are feeling that way – it’s okay. You’re not alone. There is a certain grief that mothers carry when we look back at those times when our PPD was the worst. We mourn not being able to have had the experience we wished we could have – . We feel guilty and that guilt can destroy us. There were times with Forest when I was just so tired and mad that I just didn’t want to be around him and it was really hard to connect – sometimes it was because he never stopped crying and other times it was because of my PPD. I look back on those times and it breaks me. I wish I would have had a baby that didn’t cry so much and I wish I would have been happier sooner.

I think when you read Megan’s story, you’re going to see how amazing she is. She is truly admirable and optimistic and I am so thankful to have met her and learned from her.

Megan’s story • Possible trigger warning //

I had 0 ppd issues with our first. I think that’s why this smacked me like a bus so much. I’m a self-employed cosmetologist/make up artist, so maternity leave is a little different for me. I took 3 weeks off with our son, Lochlan, and took 6 weeks with our daughter, Elodie. I feel like the ‘extended’ isolation could have played into it but from my understanding you’re at a higher risk if you have traumatic experiences leading up to birth or a history of mental illness.

With ppd I felt anxious, angry, detached, isolated, confused, agitated, and like I was a burden to everyone around me. I physically felt that I had this haze around me at all times. Like when your car windshield is fogged over— you can see through it but can’t see well enough to safely get anywhere. However, I have also felt more connected to my faith in the last 14 months. I have leaned on God so much more than I ever have before. I pray and give Him thanks far more now. I have a new appreciation for the beautifully simple things that I couldn’t see while I had ppd and had overlooked prior to that

I didn’t love the newborn stage with Loc but didn’t realize it until he was more interactive. I never felt appalled by him though. Unfortunately, I did with EJ. I am comfortable now with knowing that I am not a newborn person like most women are. Babies are fun but toddlers are a lot more fun.

Unfortunately my memory from the first 9 months of her life is foggy (imagine it to being super drunk? You remember parts but it’s spotty). EJ had acid reflux so that was hard; she couldn’t lay dow glad without screaming for the first 2 months. However, other than that she was great. She nursed well, gained weight well, slept well (for a newborn), is a pretty chill lady overall .

I am a big believer in therapy. It’s one of God’s greatest gifts to us. Our parents had my brother and I go when we were in elementary/middle school as they went through a divorce. They also encouraged it again when Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 19. Thankfully I was established with an awesome Therapist already (off and on as life happens for the past few years), so reaching out to her was very easy. Within the first 10 min, of my first appt back in probably a year, she brought up ppd. I truly had no idea what ppd ACTUALLY was. We hear it thrown around at doc appts but I didn’t realize that ppd was why I didn’t know our daughter and didn’t really care to know her sometimes. Knowing now what I do about ppd it was so textbook. I didn’t have an urge to hurt her but that’s about the only one I didn’t feel.

I have fallen so much more in love with my husband, Chase, over the last 14 months. He has been a rock for our family and for me. He has never once down played or dismissed what we’re going though. (Side note— I say we instead of I when talking about ppd a lot. I am the one who had it but it impacted our entire family.) Chase picked up the slack when i couldn’t; physically and emotionally. One of my favorite things about him through this has been his compassionate honesty. It was Chase that suggest I consider meds (shout out to Sertaleine lol). He also 100% backs me with my choice to not have any more biological children at this time. Our ‘plan’ (can you hear God laughing!? ) was to start trying for baby #3 in August. It was hard to come to the realization that I wasn’t ready for that, and might never be. I chose to change our family plan and he met it with nothing but love and validation of my feelings. We have talked about fostering and/or adopting but are pushing pause on that for now, too. I had him watch When the Bough Breaks on Netflix about 10 months ago and it really helped him understand what I was going though but couldn’t communicate.

I talk to people all day every day as a cosmetologist. I have felt more comfortable with my ppd the last 4ish months and have been open about it one on one (no lengthy social media posts yet…. I’m hoping to find the right words to say someday!). I’m mostly met with ‘I had no idea’, ‘I’m sorry’, or ‘you are fine now’. I’m surprised by how many people have responded with ‘I/my wife also had ppd’. I kind of put it in the category of things that people have a connection to but don’t like to talk about because it’s too real/raw and unknown, not to mention the fact that it’s MENTAL illness. I did have a couple people say things like ‘I’ve been sad before’, ‘I’ve tired too’, ‘I don’t like to do chores either’, ‘I would rather stay in bed too’…… clearly those people don’t realize that it’s so much deeper, lonelier, dark, and heavy than being sad, tired, and such. Maybe it’s because Chase and I are connected to AFSP and have lost friends to Suicide but I am pretty comfortable to meet those comments with something like ‘I’m thankful you don’t know the depth of isolation some people feel in a room full of people’ or ‘it is confusing to understand; I wouldn’t have known the difference either until I experienced it myself’. I feel like that’s a kind way of saying check yourself. I also feel like talking about ppd takes the power away from it and gives it back to me.

I also should add in that my small group, yoga and living life more intentionally (think semi minimalism but without hard boundaries) have helped. -A community of eclectic women to rally and support you through Christ is irreplaceable. -Yoga allows me some me time, to focus on getting physically stronger, as well as emotionally. -Living an intentional life has helped me realize HOW bogged down I felt by stuff….and that I don’t really need 5 spatulas or 20 miss matched cups from our days in Ames.

‘Be kind and compassionate to everyone’ is a verse from the Bible (Ephesians 4:32). We literally have it hanging in our kitchen now thanks to a friend with insane lettering skills.

If I could talk to 14 months ago self or someone going though it….. yikes. That’s a hard one. I would maybe sum it up with “Be kind and compassionate to everyone”…. including yourself. Mental illness is so hard. A broken bone gets you a cast for 8 weeks where as Ppd gets you therapy and meds for an undetermined amount of time. Since it’s so strongly connected to hormones it’s hard to say how long it lasts or if you’d get it again. A friend helped me out a lot recently when she said that the first anniversaries are hard. I had no idea that something as small as the first isu tailgate of the year would stir up so many emotions. The last 1st tailgated the season I went to I felt like I had a dark cloud over my head and 200 pound weights on my shoulders. Ppd impacted every area of my life: family planning to tailgating and everything in between. Another friend who had recently gone through ppd had mentioned ptsd. Initially I thought, ‘I wasn’t a first responder or in the military’. She’s a smarty pants though. It was a traumatic experience. I feel like she may have hit the nail on the head. I am beyond blessed with a great village around me. I call them My Safe People. People that I could confine in early on who somehow know the things I need to hear at that moment.

October 21, 2018
cassi’s truth • motherhood

I am so thrilled to share with you all the story of Cassi (and her cutie Gemma!) I am also nervous and keep going back and forth on how I want to share these stories, so forgive me as I’m sure there will be a variety in the way I present these. I think the best way to share the stories of others is to directly post their words. So what you will see is from their hearts directly. It’s so incredibly humbling when you put yourself out there and ask for others to also be vulnerable. Cassi’s story had me in tears and as you can see by her photos, she and her baby girl are so in love. What this project has definitely taught me is that you don’t know what secrets someone has – On the outside, they might appear happy and together, and they may not share their life so openly with others – but everyone (or mostly everyone) has a truth that would shock you. So many times in talking to these amazing woman, I found myself thinking “Wow, I had NO idea.” And that’s the point of this. We are all battling something and we all need support and to be free of judgment. As women, we are taught to be strong and brave and keep our mouths shut with our struggles or we will be weak. It’s hard. But we can all come forward and share our battles and STILL be strong.

Cassi’s Story • Possible trigger warnings //

My story as a mom… I suppose it really starts in 2016. My husband and I were trying to decide if we were ready to start our family. Then in April 2016 my father was murdered. I was left reeling and things between us became complicated as I dealt with that grief. During this time my husband said he was ready to have kids. I felt like I needed to start living again, so I agreed. I thought a new life could bring a beautiful kind of healing to my family and new meaning to my own life. By December of 2016 I had been feeling run down but attributed it to the stress of the year. On December 9th I had a miscarriage. I hadn’t realized I was pregnant. I was left reeling yet again. My husband said he was unaffected by the loss. In hindsight I should have paid more attention to that statement and what it said about his emotional state. I have never looked forward to a new years like I did in 2016. I clung to it like a lifeline. 2017 would be better. It had to be.

In early April 2017, I found out I was pregnant with Gemma. I was only a few weeks along and after having a miscarriage I was terrified. I am the type of person who researches everything, so my life became consumed with reading everything I could get my hands on to try and alleviate my fears. I think I had the typical fears. Would I miscarry again? Would this baby be healthy? Would I be able to lose the baby weight? Would I be a good mom? How would my marriage be impacted? Every kick, every pain sent me into a fear spiral. We went in for the first ultrasound and found out the due date. December 9th. My true rainbow baby.

Personally I found being pregnant emotionally exhausting and lonely. It only got worse when my husband started having an affair with a new coworker when I was 7 months pregnant. The last few months of my pregnancy were pure hell. I frantically grasped on to any excuse I could think of on his behalf, but deep down I knew I was right. He wasn’t even trying hard to hide it. He was belittling, distant and emotionally abusive. Our 10 year relationship was falling apart right in front of me and no matter what I said or did I couldn’t stop it. After a few weeks, it started to take a toll on my health. My blood pressure was spiking and I was on watch for preeclampsia. We also found out the baby breech which meant a c-section. I was still desperately clinging to the hope that there was some other explanation and that things would change when Gemma finally came. They didn’t. The time spent in the hospital is still too painful for me to think about most of the time. He ruined the birth of my child. Something you dream about. He took that from me and so much more. When Gemma was 5 weeks old I confronted my husband again. He left. Suddenly I found myself recovery from surgery. Overwhelmed. Broken. Alone. With a 5 week old. THIS WAS NOT HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE! I wasn’t sure how I was going to pick myself back up or even if I would be able to this time.

Luckily I have an amazing family and wonderful friends, that once I finally let in on what had been going on the last few months, swooped in and kept me afloat. They loved on Gemma and me and I will be forever grateful to each and every one of them.

Something I underestimated was the tremendous love I would feel for my child and how that would change me. You hear about it, but I didn’t understand the depth until I became a mother. At first I tried to forgive my Ex for Gemma’s sake. I thought the best thing for her would be an intact family. Then I realized that the best thing I could do for her is show her how a woman, really any human being, should be treated. That it is my job to model healthy relationships to her. Relationships that include respect, honesty, and trust. My marriage had none of that left and if she were in my shoes I would tell her to run. Run as far and as fast as she could. And that is what I ended up doing. There is nothing more motivating than your love for your child to make you fight for yourself, make you fight for her in your divorce settlements. That love lets you push through the exhaustion of being a single parent. The fear, exhaustion, and sleepless nights that I did alone. Night after night. That love also sent me on a journey to heal myself.

I may not be able to change the story of my marriage, or the fact that her father is willing and capable of betraying and abandoning his family, but I am the ONLY one that can give my daughter a happy and healthy mother, both mentally and physically. I am determined to give her that.

Becoming a mother has changed every aspect of my life. It has given me a new appreciation for my body, for my family and most of all for sleep. 🙂 It has taught me that I am a lot stronger than I ever realized and that my non confrontational self has a mama bear insider her after all. It has taught me that truly caring for yourself is what allows you to care for others. This has been the hardest and yet, most rewarding journey of my life. Every sacrifice has been worth it.

One of the hardest parts of the healing process has been grieving the dreams you had, while learning to find joy in the new ones. My dreams about meeting my child and being so in love with your little family. Dreams of watching my husband and child bond. Sitting together at her graduation. Those dreams will never be realized the way I imagined them now, but I am learning to reshape them. And who knows, the future reality may be even better than my dreams.

When we first split people told me that Gemma would be better off and that eventually I would appreciate the time she has to spend with my ex. At first it took everything in me to react very poorly to put it diplomatically. Inside i wanted to tell them where they could put that advice. After some space and time I am coming to see what they meant. It still kills me to hand my daughter over to someone who has proven he doesn’t put her interests first and who frankly doesn’t deserve to be part of her life, but those few hours allow me to reset and be a better mother. Between work and being a single mom I don’t have a lot of time to myself so those two afternoons a month really do help.

My advice for single moms would be find your community and admit when you need help.

For people betrayed by a spouse. Wow, It’s hard to pick just one, but the biggest realization for me was that affairs are abuse. Your partner has to emotionally abuse you to hide the affair and they put your health at risk if it is also a physical affair. Once that sinks in, it’s easier to move on. Get help for yourself and your children

October 4, 2018
my truth • motherhood

Even before becoming a mother, motherhood was a part of my life. Motherhood is a part of every woman’s life whether or not we have children of our own, and I’ve learned the truth of this through talking with other ladies. At one point or another, almost every gal has had to defend her experiences and wishes to someone about their involvement in motherhood. In future posts, I’ll get a little bit deeper into that, but to avoid runoffs and tangents, I’ll stick to my story.

I’ve always somewhat (maybe to a weird fault) been open about my life through social media. Some people choose not to share much of their life, but I like to. It’s easy for me to connect with others without the stress of in-person contact as I’m a huge introvert with awkward tendencies. Sorry everyone! :) Openly discussing issues surrounding mental health is really liberating to me, and a lot of cool people are in my life due to that openness. Before getting pregnant, I knew that I wanted to document my pregnancy in this blog; It began mostly for myself but along the way, it was a way to connect with a lot of other people and mothers. It’s still weird to me when people call me brave or courageous or things like that, because I never ever (and still don’t) label myself as such. Honestly, being open like this has oftentimes made me feel like a huge complainer and seeming desperate for help or for attention. Maybe I am. Who knows?

My Story • Possible trigger warnings //

It’s hard to pick an exact point where I feel like “my issues” began. To preface a little bit, I’ve always been a really anxious person. I have struggled with a lot of depression in my past and have also gone through some eating disorder issues (for lack of better terms). I’ve always personally thought my experiences could have been worse, as in others definitely have this a lot worse so I shouldn’t talk about it and blah blah blah. Anyone else? I’ve since learned that regardless the intensity, if it’s something that affects you negatively, it’s real and validated. I knew with this kind of past, I was definitely susceptible to baby blues. That’s honestly all I knew. I literally knew nothing about anything that could go wrong with pregnancy, and I think that’s a lot of women.

But I definitely had a plan and knew exactly how I would handle it. I would just be happy and push through it and maybe use oils and thank goodness I’ve got a supportive husband and yada yada. I was also going to get my placenta encapsulated (which never happened because meconium). I could laugh at past me; I was so. naive. and so ignorant to things. Anyway, we got pregnant right away, it maybe took two months of trying. Nowadays, I am tenfolds more informed on the reality of infertility and conception struggles, but I had not a damned clue while we were trying. We also announced our pregnancy immediately because i knew if something were to happen, i would need a community to support me. Immediately after our positive test, i became filled with dread on the thought of how my body would be affected by my pregnancy. It wasn’t just a vanity issue, it was bigger than that. Around the six week point in my pregnancy, I had some bleeding. Arnold and I went to the emergency room and after an ultrasound and some tests, a heartbeat but a diagnoses of placenta previa. Yes, my baby was alive but knowing a handful of things could end my pregnancy was really stressful. I was just shy of bed rest. I wasn’t allowed to have sex or exert myself much more than walking. It really fucking sucked.

I remember being vocal online about how stressed I was and all of the suggestions from other people. There are a lot of issues that you just don’t know until you know. Truly, people do mean well, but we all know how things sting. I was told to be grateful. Sometimes we live in a world where our struggles don’t matter because the fact of being grateful rings higher? Uhhhhh. that’s bull shit. You’re okay to complain and have problems and your feelings matter. I was given ignorant advice about working out. Sure. I’ll just bleed and cause a miscarriage and i’m going to get fat and this is terrible. I already hated being pregnant. I ended up gaining 75 pounds because I couldn’t exercise and ate my feelings. It was my own fault. I did this to myself. But there were a few people who reached out to me and confided that they had similar issues. THIS. this is the best part about being vocal and the reason I’m doing this. Connecting with people who feel and experience what you do will heal you.

Forest came into this earth like a banshee and the last 19 months have been testament to this. I have been challenged in more ways than I thought possible. it’s funny because if your baby isn’t anything but happy and a perfect nurser then it’s definitely something you’re doing – that’s how I felt anyway, and a lot of the suggestions I received were for me to change this or this or that or blah. It could also mean that he’s unhealthy or has this or that problem. We’ve been to countless different pediatricians and have tried everything ranging from my diet to different parenting techniques and I can say with confidence that I did my best. Forest is thriving. He’s so healthy and he’s meeting and exceeding every developmental mark. It’s taken me a long time to realize that some kids are spirited and will be a challenge, you know. Like some adults are ;) He takes 100% of me and as a SAHM during the day and working at night, I have very little time for self care and it’s taken a huge toll on my well being. Things like that also have put my marriage through hell. We are still together, but having a kid has been the biggest test. I’m thankful that we choose at the end of the day to stay together and not hurt each other, but we definitely fight a lot, argue, and have discussed separating.

I remember about six months PP, i went to my doctor for a routine check up. It’s funny because you fill out a questionnaire and that’s supposed to tell you if you have a problem or not. EYE ROLL. I was told what I was feeling and going through wasn’t “that bad” and according to the questionnaire, i had a low chance of exhibiting postpartum depression. Really? Like, I’m coming to the doctor and describing my feelings but also feeling like I can’t be completely honest or my baby will be taken away. After that, I never went back to get help. I still haven’t gotten “help” and I think the fear that I will be told it’s not that bad compared to others really holds a heavy weight in my heart. Even after a week of hearing the stories of other women, I feel like I should be happy despite the fact. I still haven’t gotten the help I feel like I need, but I’m trying and doing things every day to be a better person, wife, and mother. It’s just more to balance than before.

If I could go back and tell myself one thing, it would be to embrace what I’m feeling – good or bad. That no. matter. what. my feelings are justified and I will find a way to get through it. I think sometimes i’ve felt guilty for being so sad because a lot of people do go through worse. That’s hard but I’ve always been a huge advocate for not comparing your experience to others. Don’t judge other people for their problems because you truly just don’t know until you have gone a mile in those shoes.

Photography and writing heal me. They allow a creative and productive outlet when I didn’t know what to do. I hope that by opening my heart to others and gathering with a group of kick ass women, we can all talk and learn and not feel so alone. I can’t wait to share with you some other kick ass ladies!!

October 2, 2018