Tag: iowa photographer

jade’s truth • motherhood

Jade’s Story • Possible Trigger Warning //

My journey with motherhood started with my first pregnancy in 2010. Though that pregnancy was most certainly planned, I remember being absolutely terrified from the first day I found out I was pregnant. It seemed as if almost immediately, my anxiety skyrocketed and continued this way throughout my entire pregnancy. Looking back, I wish I had stepped out and tried to talk to someone about this but even my anxiety got in the way of doing that. I felt lonely and scared. My mom was killed in a car accident when I was in college and ever since then I always felt sad thinking about having my first baby without my mom around. I had my first little miracle baby boy on February 14, 2011; my valentine baby! The minute I met him everything seemed worth it, however, I never realized how bittersweet that birth would be; crying tears of overwhelming joy to meet that little boy; yet tears of sadness at the same time missing my mom so very much! My postpartum time period was not the greatest; dealing with extremely high anxiety plus a whole years recovery time for a 4^th degree tear, plus MULTIPLE cases of Mastitis; I felt downright overwhelmed. I didn’t have a support system yet in the town we lived in and didn’t feel like I had anyone to direct my questions to. Looking back now, I realize I was dealing with some undiagnosed Postpartum depression and wish I known the resources to reach out.

Due to my pregnancy and postpartum experience, along with feeling like my first little boy was just HARD; I wasn’t even sure that I wanted to have more kids. However, things eventually did even out and with gaining a support system and feeling more grounded, I knew Caymen needed a sibling and I knew that I had never loved anything more than being his mom. When Caymen was about 4, I got pregnant again. My 2^nd pregnancy was a night and day difference from my first. I was in therapy; I was taking some low anxiety meds and I had a support system around me. I threw myself into enjoying that pregnancy. I wanted to try ALL THE THINGS. I exercised, I did prenatal yoga, I got a doula and I LOVED my body and the transformation during this time. Delivery was MUCH easier than with Caymen and I had Saxton on March 22, 2016. The adjustment to two kids was definitely not easy but it was so much easier than my first postpartum experience. I had support around me and I had more confidence in myself. This time I knew I wanted to do this again…

We got pregnant with our third baby when Saxton was about 19 months old and I was so excited to be rounding out our family with most likely our last baby. My pregnancy was “normal” for the first part; just the normal sickness and exhaustion that comes with having a baby! Unfortunately, things took a turn when I went to my normal 17-18 week midwife check up. The midwife told me that she couldn’t find my baby’s heartbeat. My third precious baby, and my first baby girl had passed away. Selah Eleanor came out of me and entered directly into heaven on February 12, 2018.

My heart has never felt more broken. My experience in the hospital with her was all but ideal and I ended up being admitted for extreme loss of blood and too low of a blood pressure. I was terrified and I was heartbroken. My milk came in when I was in the hospital and I asked the nurse about what to do and she told me she wasn’t sure because I was actually in a Bariatric Surgery recovery unit since the other units were full. It seemed like no one had any answers and all I really wanted was to know why my little girl died and why I couldn’t hold her. As I was sent home from the hospital on February 13, the day before Caymens 7^th birthday; the doctor told me that they were not able to get “everything out of me” and I needed to take a medication for the next 3 days, 5 times a day to put essentially my body into “labor” yet again and expel the excess lining. That first week home was in a word…hell. I lay on the bathroom floor a lot as the bleeding was too heavy to move and when I stood up I was too dizzy to stand. They also gave me a heavy dose of iron to take 5 times a day due to my extremely low iron levels from losing so much blood which also made me feel sick. The ‘labor pains’ were excruciating; only made worse in my head to think that at the end of all that physical pain there wasn’t even a baby to show for it. I bled for an entire month after that. Losing Selah was by far one of the hardest things I have been through yet to date as a mother.

I wish the hospital and doctors had explained more to me and I wouldn’t have felt so in the dark. However, this time, after my loss and through this “postpartum” experience I did have support; my bereavement doula, my friends, my church small group, and God. And as if I needed any more proof as a mom, I have most definitely learned that support and having a “tribe” MAKES all the difference during motherhood. There is no way to do this stuff alone. Whether it be postpartum mood disorders, pregnancy complications, postpartum complications, loss, or just plain MOTHERHOOD; this stuff is hard and my wish is that every mom has someone to reach out to. I still struggle with grief and sadness and not having my only little girl or not knowing if I’m supposed to have more children and I’m not sure if or when that is something I will ever completely get over; but I also know now that I am not alone in this.

March 26, 2019
Schipull Family • Iowa Family Photographer

My biggest goal coming into the new year with my photography was to create an experience with each session – to use my art as a way to actually get to know each family that I’m working with. Every family is different and your story is more than sitting and smiling. I’ll also add, the best part of finding something special that speaks about your family is a way to keep your kids entertained! Instead of focusing on that goofy lady with the weird machine in front of their face, they’ll put their energy into the fun that you’re having!

By NO means am I an expert on children – aren’t we all just trying to get through the day? ;) But I’ve learned through my own son that his favorite thing in the whole wide world is doing what momma & dada get to do. When he can help crack the egg and stir the food – pure joy. There’s also a few meltdowns occasionally, but those are moments worth remembering, too. Enjoy this adorable family – lots of helping, snuggling, laughing, and playing!!

February 28, 2019
eden’s truth • motherhood

It’s pretty weird what you can and can’t remember from your childhood. I remember being a curious kid – I asked a lot of annoying questions and wanted to know the reasoning behind everything. I remember wondering how many children I would get when I was older and thinking God got to decide when and how many children would come to you. There was a conversation with my mom where I asked her how she felt about God giving her three kids! Did she want that many? Even my brother? That’s a lot of kids… ;) My mom told me that she wanted to have three babies and she was very lucky to have three babies but some women out there want more (my grandma had five) and some may want less – some may even want none at all. WAIT WHAT?! *screech halt*

I thought women grew up to be mommies and you know, blah blah blah. I remember wondering if I wanted kids or not! Whoa, I got to choose?! How would I know how many and IF I even wanted babies then? Thankfully I grew up with parents who educated me and openly discussed a lot of things with me – most importantly, we could decide what we wanted in our life. I remember my mom told me that my Aunt didn’t want any children and that she always kinda/sorta knew and some women only want to be aunts and that it was important for me to find a partner who also respected that wish and I respected theirs. Run on sentence. I apologize.

I learned early on that we as women are our own bosses when it comes to our journey into motherhood. Women who don’t have children aren’t baby haters and making the wrong decision. They are choosing to explore their own boundaries around motherhood. I am so so excited for you to read Eden’s story below. And Eden, thank you for sparking a fun memory I had when I was younger. <3

Eden’s Story • Possible Trigger Warning //

“What if you regret it when you’re older and don’t have anyone to take care of you?”

“You have no idea what you’re missing out on.”

“There’s a piece of you that just won’t be complete.”

“But you’re a TEACHER. Don’t you like kids?”

“Well, that’s just selfish.”

There are times I want to scream in people’s faces. Not a cute contained scream that just somewhat releases stress. But an ugly, all consuming scream that causes veins in my neck to bulge and a headache to form when I’m done. It’s almost 2019 and I so badly want to believe that my choices as a woman are not as restricted and scrutinized as those of my mother and her mother before her, but the older I get, the more I begin to understand that society might be moving on but at a sloth’s pace in certain respects.

I do not want to have children. In fact, whenever I give the idea of having children serious consideration, I am gripped with intense fear and anxiety. My chest literally tightens and I can feel a panic attack brewing unless I think about something else… which obviously I try to do. This doesn’t sound like a difficult task— just don’t think about it. But you’d be surprised how many people FORCE me to think and talk about it no matter how overtly uncomfortable I am.

When someone asks me why I don’t want to have kids, I never point out just how personal that question is, but dammit if it’s not insanely personal.

Not everyone had a beautiful, rosey childhood. I struggle with discussing certain aspects of my childhood because I know so many people had it worse. I had a roof over my head, I had meals provided, and parents who weren’t all bad. But at the same time I did not grow up in an environment of unconditional love. There was verbal abuse. There was physical abuse. There was anxiety, depression, and what some would call borderline personality disorder all under the same roof. I had a parent who could be found laughing and hugging someone one moment, and screeching in uncontrollable rage the next. It was exhausting to tiptoe around this person, always wondering if you would be the one to do something that set them off, while also simultaneously craving their affection and fighting for their attention at every turn.

It was not an ideal situation and looking back I know it had a severe impact on my adolescent years and into my early twenties. A lasting effect in my later twenties and now my thirties is very different though; I fear I would turn into the same type of parent.

I have times when I battle intense inner rage. Rage that (as a logical adult) I know doesn’t match the situation I’m in. In these moments, my temper can shoot through the roof and it takes a very concentrated effort to contain the heated words and actions I want to lash out with. The older and more mature I get, the better I am with coping with these fits of anger, but I still know they’re in me. I saw what having children did to my parent with anger issues. I can’t help but feel paralyzing terror at turning into that person myself, to the point of wanting to ensure it will not and cannot happen.

“Well how does your husband feel about you not allowing him to become a father?”

Calm down, Janet.

I have a husband whom I love more than anything and he loves me more than I ever knew a person could be loved prior to meeting him. I don’t want anything about that relationship to change. I know it’s naive to think that simply not having children will cause our marriage to stay the same until the end of time, but it’s also naive to think that having a child wouldn’t affect our marriage. I’m comfortable with the idea of growing old and changing WITH my husband as I get older. I believe in us and our capacity to do that without children.

I am insanely lucky to have a husband who is not just content with my choice to not enter motherhood, but he’s 10000% on the same page. This is a partnership between two adults, not me bulldozing him into an empty future where he’ll forever feel a gaping hole that only a child could fill, which is exactly how some people want me to feel based on their passive aggressive (and sometimes not even passive) comments.

I have so many friends and family members who are nothing but supportive of my lifestyle choice. These people are the breath of fresh air that I sometimes desperately need when I’ve had a long day suffocated by judgement, contempt, and just overall societal pressure to be something I’m not. I wish more people realized how hurtful it is to question someone’s life choices simply because they’re different than their own.

I am happy. I genuinely love my life the way it is. It’s a different life than some other women desire, and that’s okay. It has taken me many years to come to that conclusion, but I firmly believe it and hope others do too.

January 29, 2019
kirsten’s truth • motherhood

I first met Kirsten and her babies last spring time for their family session, and upon first impression, she looks like a momma with all of her ish together. Not that Kirsten doesn’t have her “ish” together, but I never would have thought she felt the way she does. And that’s kind of the point of all this. PPD and PPA does not present itself on the outside. Oftentimes, it’s those mommas who look together who are struggling internally. Because PPD/PPA manifests itself differently, a lot of us who have it often don’t realize we have it until we become more knowledgeable. Sometimes you feel the overwhelming urge to understand what’s happening, to figure out how to “fix” things, and sometimes you’re just super mad or anxious and you don’t know why. Kirsten’s words resonated with me a lot, and I’m sure a lot of you ladies reading this will connect with her too. If you’re a mother (or a person in general) who downplays your feelings or feels the need to control your problems by constantly searching for the answer, you’ll connect with Kirsten’s motherhood. In speaking with her, I felt a sense of peace knowing that it doesn’t matter how bad you are. If it’s affecting you, it matters. Read on for this amazing lady and her truth!

Kirsten’s Story • Possible Trigger Warning //

I have struggled with depression and anxiety since high school/college, so I’m sure I was predisposed and more susceptible when my hormones were all jacked up from pregnancy and delivery. After my first child over 3.5 years ago, I was hard on myself with the way my body now looked and was exhausted from having and taking care of a new baby. I didn’t tell many people about my feelings because I was convinced this was normal and every woman has these feelings. Yes, they do but that shouldn’t dismiss the feelings or thoughts that I had. After having my second child, almost 19 months ago, the feelings of depression and anxiety hit me hard. I, again, thought it was normal and every woman feels this way, so I buried it and just gave it time for them to go away. I felt incredibly anxious all the time with everything. I felt anxious to go back to work, about my body/weight, my marriage after having 2 kids, no sex drive, etc. I wasn’t sleeping the best, felt on edge most of the time, but also felt exhausted at the same time. I was always trying to “figure out” the kids. If they slept one night and didn’t the other, it rattled me and I was fixated on “fixing” the issue. I would lay awake at night staring at the monitor. I would turn it off somerimes to try and get some sleep but would be anxious it was off and couldn’t tell what they were doing. It felt like a lose-lose situation.

About 9 months postpartum, I had multiple conversations with my husband about not feeling like myself. It wasn’t fair to him or the kids, but most importantly, feeling this way wasn’t fair to myself. I decided to go and talk with our family doctor but in the back of my head still had thoughts of “this isn’t that bad” or “everyone feels this way”. She ran blood work for my thyroid and hemoglobin to rule those out. I think deep down, I knew what the issue was but hoping it was something else. She wanted me to try a medication for my hormones to level out. Calling it postpartum depression/anxiety. I have been on it since Feb. and have felt much better. At that same time, I joined a moms small group at my church. It has truly turned my life around! Meeting and chatting with these women every week has helped me tremendously with working through my feelings but also realize that motherhood takes a village! Its hard and never easy. It is so worth it and I absolutely love my kids but somedays; I don’t want to parent. Somedays, I don’t feel like i can parent or I’m doing nothing right or riding the struggle bus but at the end of the day, I know I’m never alone! God has blessed me to be a mom to my two kids! Through this whole process, my husband has been very supportive. He could tell I wasn’t myself but never pushed me to do anything I didn’t want to do. If I needed space, he did. If I needed to talk, we did. I don’t think he fully understood what I was feeling but how could he?! Dads don’t have the same feelings as moms do. They haven’t gone through everything we have. But still, he wanted to understand and more importantly, wanted me to feel better and be myself again!

There is a definite stigma out there with ppd or ppa, that the mom is weak or just can’t handle the feelings. SO UNTRUE! It is very common and to a certain degree normal, but the spectrum of thoughts and feelings that go along with ppd or ppa is huge. Nothing should be dismissed as too small or not important. If it matters to the mom, then its important to be talked about! The one thing I would recommend to a mom in this situation would be to act on it sooner rather than later! That may mean medication, talking to a therapist, small group, close friend, etc. Talking about it is just so important! Getting those thoughts and feelings out there helps more than I ever realized. Present day…….it’s still a work in a progress. Every day can be challenging. I’m still a little anxious about certain things and I’m hard on myself about other things but overall a lot better than I was at the beginning of the year. At some point in the next couple months, I would like to try and wean off the medication, but see how my body handles it as well. Motherhood is challenging and can be dark at times, but so rewarding and is a blessing as well! It’s a journey, that’s for sure!

December 9, 2018