Tag: postpartum

BRIT + IRIS • Motherhood / Breastfeeding

So if you’re caught up to date with my blog, you know that I’ve been slowly meeting with women and discussing their views on motherhood. Well, I wanted to focus a little bit more on FEEDING and how us mommas feed our babies. It’s one of those things where EVERYONE, mother or not, seems to have some kind of opinion on how babies should be fed and what’s best and blah blah BLAH. I thought, hmm. What better way to learn a little bit more about feeding babies than to listen & photograph a handful of mommas, all of whom feed their babies differently. I asked each momma the same questions and sat with them and talked while they fed their baby with intentions of showing what it’s like – no glitz & glam – to feed a baby.

The first momma I’d like to share with you is BRIT and her daughter IRIS. She and I became friends through another local momma and she’s volunteered to share a little bit about her journey with breastfeeding and why she nourishes Iris that way. If you’re a little uncomfortable with breastfeeding images, watch out when you’re scrolling. I came over to Brit’s house with my son, Forest (who’s “friends” with her little dude, Wyatt) for these photos and experienced what it’s like being around a nursing momma. My son was also breastfed with an occasional bottle of formula and pumping here and there – Let me tell you what – when your baby needs to eat, sometimes you’re just gonna whip out the boob and give baby what they need. Follow along for her story and some adorable feeding photos.

TELL ME A LITTLE ABOUT HOW YOU FEED YOUR BABY

Feeding my second baby has been a new journey for me. I didn’t get to directly breastfeed my first, so while I knew what to do with my supply, it was a learning curve getting comfortable with feeding her. While we were fortunate to not have latch issues (or supply issues) comfort and positioning were a whole other ballgame. That boppy pillow I never thought I’d use? It’s my best friend at home, but on the go? That was harder to figure out. It took me about 2 months to really figure out when, where, and how we were both most comfortable with our feedings. Today, our family took a walk and I was comfortable enough to feed her on the go. I felt like a champ all over again.

IS THIS THE WAY YOU HAD IMAGINED FEEDING YOUR BABY? TELL ME WHAT THAT LOOKED LIKE

Honestly, yes. It’s been a dream. While Iris isn’t able to empty me and usually doesn’t have to change sides, this is what I wanted with my first. I didn’t understand when people who breastfed said they developed a bond with their baby over it. Now I get it, because when she’s eating and she looks up and smiles at me, it’s the most heartbreaking and heartwarming thing I’ve ever experienced.

HOW DID YOU HAPPEN TO SETTLE ON THIS METHOD OF FEEDING

I always wanted to breastfeed. First of all, let’s be real, it’s cheaper than formula. I liked the idea of not having to spend a ton of money on something that I could (conceivably) make myself. After having my first I knew supply wouldn’t be an issue, so I hoped with Iris I would be able to do both bottle and breast. Well, she only takes the breast – not interested in the bottle. This makes having anyone else feed her nearly impossible* but I’m happy I’ve been able to experience this.
*She will SOMETIMES take a bottle from Grandma or Daddy, but it’s rare.

WHAT WERE YOUR THOUGHTS ON INFANT FEEDING BEFORE YOU BECAME A MOTHER?

I’ve always been a “to each their own” kind of girl. I never want(ed) to put restrictions on myself or others. There is no “right way” to feed your baby. The important thing is your baby is fed and you are both feeling loved and cared for by those around you. Being a new mother is hard enough, let alone all the pressures we put on ourselves and each other. There is no room for judgment in how you choose to feed your kids, in my opinion.

HOW HAS FEEDING YOUR BABY THIS WAY MADE YOU A BETTER PERSON?

I think it’s made me the mother I need to be for Iris. I didn’t ever want to force one thing or another on my babies and that includes my boobs. When my first didn’t want any part of the breast, I didn’t “try to make it work” because he was perfectly fine with drinking breastmilk from the bottle and I was perfectly fine with pumping. Was it what I envisioned? No, but it worked and it didn’t create extra stress for me or my baby. I got news for you mama, MANY things from here on out are not going to go as planned. Try not to stress yourself out by building things up in your head about the way things “should be”. “The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry.” For both you and babies sakes, go with the flow as much as you can.

WHAT TYPES OF COMMENTS (GOOD AND BAD) HAVE LEFT AN IMPRESSION ON YOU?

Honestly – I shrug a lot of stuff off. Good and Bad. It’s probably not a good trait, but I learn best by experiencing things for myself. And I learned a long time ago not to let the opinions of others influence me. It’s not what I’m about. I’ll always listen to advice and sometimes I keep it in mind, but sometimes I forget. I get wrapped up in the moment. Maybe it’s ignorant, but I’ve faired pretty well so far.

WHAT KIND OF ROLE HAS YOUR PARTNER PLAYED IN FEEDING YOUR BABY?

My husband was bummed when our second only wanted the breast. He was amazing with our first and would get up with him at night for feedings, even though he woke early for work. But he still gets up with me at night and gets me water, or the pillow, or just makes sure I’m comfortable. Sometimes if I need to pump he stays up just to hold her. It’s been a real blessing.

ANY ADVICE FOR FUTURE MOMMAS?

Do YOU. Ask for help when you need it. Acknowledge your feelings, good and bad. TALK about it. Talk THROUGH it. Find a safe space and try not to be afraid. You’re never as alone as you think you are.

April 18, 2019
jade’s truth • motherhood

Jade’s Story • Possible Trigger Warning //

My journey with motherhood started with my first pregnancy in 2010. Though that pregnancy was most certainly planned, I remember being absolutely terrified from the first day I found out I was pregnant. It seemed as if almost immediately, my anxiety skyrocketed and continued this way throughout my entire pregnancy. Looking back, I wish I had stepped out and tried to talk to someone about this but even my anxiety got in the way of doing that. I felt lonely and scared. My mom was killed in a car accident when I was in college and ever since then I always felt sad thinking about having my first baby without my mom around. I had my first little miracle baby boy on February 14, 2011; my valentine baby! The minute I met him everything seemed worth it, however, I never realized how bittersweet that birth would be; crying tears of overwhelming joy to meet that little boy; yet tears of sadness at the same time missing my mom so very much! My postpartum time period was not the greatest; dealing with extremely high anxiety plus a whole years recovery time for a 4^th degree tear, plus MULTIPLE cases of Mastitis; I felt downright overwhelmed. I didn’t have a support system yet in the town we lived in and didn’t feel like I had anyone to direct my questions to. Looking back now, I realize I was dealing with some undiagnosed Postpartum depression and wish I known the resources to reach out.

Due to my pregnancy and postpartum experience, along with feeling like my first little boy was just HARD; I wasn’t even sure that I wanted to have more kids. However, things eventually did even out and with gaining a support system and feeling more grounded, I knew Caymen needed a sibling and I knew that I had never loved anything more than being his mom. When Caymen was about 4, I got pregnant again. My 2^nd pregnancy was a night and day difference from my first. I was in therapy; I was taking some low anxiety meds and I had a support system around me. I threw myself into enjoying that pregnancy. I wanted to try ALL THE THINGS. I exercised, I did prenatal yoga, I got a doula and I LOVED my body and the transformation during this time. Delivery was MUCH easier than with Caymen and I had Saxton on March 22, 2016. The adjustment to two kids was definitely not easy but it was so much easier than my first postpartum experience. I had support around me and I had more confidence in myself. This time I knew I wanted to do this again…

We got pregnant with our third baby when Saxton was about 19 months old and I was so excited to be rounding out our family with most likely our last baby. My pregnancy was “normal” for the first part; just the normal sickness and exhaustion that comes with having a baby! Unfortunately, things took a turn when I went to my normal 17-18 week midwife check up. The midwife told me that she couldn’t find my baby’s heartbeat. My third precious baby, and my first baby girl had passed away. Selah Eleanor came out of me and entered directly into heaven on February 12, 2018.

My heart has never felt more broken. My experience in the hospital with her was all but ideal and I ended up being admitted for extreme loss of blood and too low of a blood pressure. I was terrified and I was heartbroken. My milk came in when I was in the hospital and I asked the nurse about what to do and she told me she wasn’t sure because I was actually in a Bariatric Surgery recovery unit since the other units were full. It seemed like no one had any answers and all I really wanted was to know why my little girl died and why I couldn’t hold her. As I was sent home from the hospital on February 13, the day before Caymens 7^th birthday; the doctor told me that they were not able to get “everything out of me” and I needed to take a medication for the next 3 days, 5 times a day to put essentially my body into “labor” yet again and expel the excess lining. That first week home was in a word…hell. I lay on the bathroom floor a lot as the bleeding was too heavy to move and when I stood up I was too dizzy to stand. They also gave me a heavy dose of iron to take 5 times a day due to my extremely low iron levels from losing so much blood which also made me feel sick. The ‘labor pains’ were excruciating; only made worse in my head to think that at the end of all that physical pain there wasn’t even a baby to show for it. I bled for an entire month after that. Losing Selah was by far one of the hardest things I have been through yet to date as a mother.

I wish the hospital and doctors had explained more to me and I wouldn’t have felt so in the dark. However, this time, after my loss and through this “postpartum” experience I did have support; my bereavement doula, my friends, my church small group, and God. And as if I needed any more proof as a mom, I have most definitely learned that support and having a “tribe” MAKES all the difference during motherhood. There is no way to do this stuff alone. Whether it be postpartum mood disorders, pregnancy complications, postpartum complications, loss, or just plain MOTHERHOOD; this stuff is hard and my wish is that every mom has someone to reach out to. I still struggle with grief and sadness and not having my only little girl or not knowing if I’m supposed to have more children and I’m not sure if or when that is something I will ever completely get over; but I also know now that I am not alone in this.

March 26, 2019
kirsten’s truth • motherhood

I first met Kirsten and her babies last spring time for their family session, and upon first impression, she looks like a momma with all of her ish together. Not that Kirsten doesn’t have her “ish” together, but I never would have thought she felt the way she does. And that’s kind of the point of all this. PPD and PPA does not present itself on the outside. Oftentimes, it’s those mommas who look together who are struggling internally. Because PPD/PPA manifests itself differently, a lot of us who have it often don’t realize we have it until we become more knowledgeable. Sometimes you feel the overwhelming urge to understand what’s happening, to figure out how to “fix” things, and sometimes you’re just super mad or anxious and you don’t know why. Kirsten’s words resonated with me a lot, and I’m sure a lot of you ladies reading this will connect with her too. If you’re a mother (or a person in general) who downplays your feelings or feels the need to control your problems by constantly searching for the answer, you’ll connect with Kirsten’s motherhood. In speaking with her, I felt a sense of peace knowing that it doesn’t matter how bad you are. If it’s affecting you, it matters. Read on for this amazing lady and her truth!

Kirsten’s Story • Possible Trigger Warning //

I have struggled with depression and anxiety since high school/college, so I’m sure I was predisposed and more susceptible when my hormones were all jacked up from pregnancy and delivery. After my first child over 3.5 years ago, I was hard on myself with the way my body now looked and was exhausted from having and taking care of a new baby. I didn’t tell many people about my feelings because I was convinced this was normal and every woman has these feelings. Yes, they do but that shouldn’t dismiss the feelings or thoughts that I had. After having my second child, almost 19 months ago, the feelings of depression and anxiety hit me hard. I, again, thought it was normal and every woman feels this way, so I buried it and just gave it time for them to go away. I felt incredibly anxious all the time with everything. I felt anxious to go back to work, about my body/weight, my marriage after having 2 kids, no sex drive, etc. I wasn’t sleeping the best, felt on edge most of the time, but also felt exhausted at the same time. I was always trying to “figure out” the kids. If they slept one night and didn’t the other, it rattled me and I was fixated on “fixing” the issue. I would lay awake at night staring at the monitor. I would turn it off somerimes to try and get some sleep but would be anxious it was off and couldn’t tell what they were doing. It felt like a lose-lose situation.

About 9 months postpartum, I had multiple conversations with my husband about not feeling like myself. It wasn’t fair to him or the kids, but most importantly, feeling this way wasn’t fair to myself. I decided to go and talk with our family doctor but in the back of my head still had thoughts of “this isn’t that bad” or “everyone feels this way”. She ran blood work for my thyroid and hemoglobin to rule those out. I think deep down, I knew what the issue was but hoping it was something else. She wanted me to try a medication for my hormones to level out. Calling it postpartum depression/anxiety. I have been on it since Feb. and have felt much better. At that same time, I joined a moms small group at my church. It has truly turned my life around! Meeting and chatting with these women every week has helped me tremendously with working through my feelings but also realize that motherhood takes a village! Its hard and never easy. It is so worth it and I absolutely love my kids but somedays; I don’t want to parent. Somedays, I don’t feel like i can parent or I’m doing nothing right or riding the struggle bus but at the end of the day, I know I’m never alone! God has blessed me to be a mom to my two kids! Through this whole process, my husband has been very supportive. He could tell I wasn’t myself but never pushed me to do anything I didn’t want to do. If I needed space, he did. If I needed to talk, we did. I don’t think he fully understood what I was feeling but how could he?! Dads don’t have the same feelings as moms do. They haven’t gone through everything we have. But still, he wanted to understand and more importantly, wanted me to feel better and be myself again!

There is a definite stigma out there with ppd or ppa, that the mom is weak or just can’t handle the feelings. SO UNTRUE! It is very common and to a certain degree normal, but the spectrum of thoughts and feelings that go along with ppd or ppa is huge. Nothing should be dismissed as too small or not important. If it matters to the mom, then its important to be talked about! The one thing I would recommend to a mom in this situation would be to act on it sooner rather than later! That may mean medication, talking to a therapist, small group, close friend, etc. Talking about it is just so important! Getting those thoughts and feelings out there helps more than I ever realized. Present day…….it’s still a work in a progress. Every day can be challenging. I’m still a little anxious about certain things and I’m hard on myself about other things but overall a lot better than I was at the beginning of the year. At some point in the next couple months, I would like to try and wean off the medication, but see how my body handles it as well. Motherhood is challenging and can be dark at times, but so rewarding and is a blessing as well! It’s a journey, that’s for sure!

December 9, 2018
megan’s truth • motherhood

I’m just going to start this post with something like, I’ve written a thousand different beginnings and none of them seem to feel right or good enough for what I have to share about Megan. Talking with Megan has been so refreshing – refreshing in the fact that I feel like someone gets what I’ve been going through. Isn’t that the point of this all, though? To connect mothers and women with similar stories so we don’t feel alone? PPD is so hard to explain and talk about; it’s hard to type about it and find the right verbiage for how it made you feel and examples of things that triggered you.

When I spoke with Megan, I just connected with her and her story. Basically, PPD sucks. It just feels like a whole lot of terrible shit all at once. One thing that really connected me with Megan was her openness and honesty about not wanting to or being able to bond with her baby. I think when someone hears you say that, it can go two different ways. The first being “How can a mother not want to bond with her baby? That’s terrible.” Or the second, and the one I felt so much, “Thank you for saying this out loud because I feel the same and it’s the hardest feeling to admit.”

It’s hard to compare the two experiences because I could focus on Loc 100% since he was an only child. With Elodie as our second child she had a lot less one on one time. Partly because I didn’t want to and partly because logistically I couldn’t. One of my favorite things to do when Lochlan was a baby, was to snuggle nap him on my weekday off. Wednesday’s were regularly filled with cleaning while wearing him, staring at his beautiful grumpy old man looking face, and allowing him to nurse for as long as he wanted in the afternoon. One day we both fell asleep and he was latched for 5 hours. Dishes could wait. I was able to snuggle my boy uninterrupted and nap! Glorious. With Elodie I never did that and never really wanted to. I remember wanting to want to, if that makes sense? I tried to justify it for my own sake—

If you have felt that way or are feeling that way – it’s okay. You’re not alone. There is a certain grief that mothers carry when we look back at those times when our PPD was the worst. We mourn not being able to have had the experience we wished we could have – . We feel guilty and that guilt can destroy us. There were times with Forest when I was just so tired and mad that I just didn’t want to be around him and it was really hard to connect – sometimes it was because he never stopped crying and other times it was because of my PPD. I look back on those times and it breaks me. I wish I would have had a baby that didn’t cry so much and I wish I would have been happier sooner.

I think when you read Megan’s story, you’re going to see how amazing she is. She is truly admirable and optimistic and I am so thankful to have met her and learned from her.

Megan’s story • Possible trigger warning //

I had 0 ppd issues with our first. I think that’s why this smacked me like a bus so much. I’m a self-employed cosmetologist/make up artist, so maternity leave is a little different for me. I took 3 weeks off with our son, Lochlan, and took 6 weeks with our daughter, Elodie. I feel like the ‘extended’ isolation could have played into it but from my understanding you’re at a higher risk if you have traumatic experiences leading up to birth or a history of mental illness.

With ppd I felt anxious, angry, detached, isolated, confused, agitated, and like I was a burden to everyone around me. I physically felt that I had this haze around me at all times. Like when your car windshield is fogged over— you can see through it but can’t see well enough to safely get anywhere. However, I have also felt more connected to my faith in the last 14 months. I have leaned on God so much more than I ever have before. I pray and give Him thanks far more now. I have a new appreciation for the beautifully simple things that I couldn’t see while I had ppd and had overlooked prior to that

I didn’t love the newborn stage with Loc but didn’t realize it until he was more interactive. I never felt appalled by him though. Unfortunately, I did with EJ. I am comfortable now with knowing that I am not a newborn person like most women are. Babies are fun but toddlers are a lot more fun.

Unfortunately my memory from the first 9 months of her life is foggy (imagine it to being super drunk? You remember parts but it’s spotty). EJ had acid reflux so that was hard; she couldn’t lay dow glad without screaming for the first 2 months. However, other than that she was great. She nursed well, gained weight well, slept well (for a newborn), is a pretty chill lady overall .

I am a big believer in therapy. It’s one of God’s greatest gifts to us. Our parents had my brother and I go when we were in elementary/middle school as they went through a divorce. They also encouraged it again when Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 19. Thankfully I was established with an awesome Therapist already (off and on as life happens for the past few years), so reaching out to her was very easy. Within the first 10 min, of my first appt back in probably a year, she brought up ppd. I truly had no idea what ppd ACTUALLY was. We hear it thrown around at doc appts but I didn’t realize that ppd was why I didn’t know our daughter and didn’t really care to know her sometimes. Knowing now what I do about ppd it was so textbook. I didn’t have an urge to hurt her but that’s about the only one I didn’t feel.

I have fallen so much more in love with my husband, Chase, over the last 14 months. He has been a rock for our family and for me. He has never once down played or dismissed what we’re going though. (Side note— I say we instead of I when talking about ppd a lot. I am the one who had it but it impacted our entire family.) Chase picked up the slack when i couldn’t; physically and emotionally. One of my favorite things about him through this has been his compassionate honesty. It was Chase that suggest I consider meds (shout out to Sertaleine lol). He also 100% backs me with my choice to not have any more biological children at this time. Our ‘plan’ (can you hear God laughing!? ) was to start trying for baby #3 in August. It was hard to come to the realization that I wasn’t ready for that, and might never be. I chose to change our family plan and he met it with nothing but love and validation of my feelings. We have talked about fostering and/or adopting but are pushing pause on that for now, too. I had him watch When the Bough Breaks on Netflix about 10 months ago and it really helped him understand what I was going though but couldn’t communicate.

I talk to people all day every day as a cosmetologist. I have felt more comfortable with my ppd the last 4ish months and have been open about it one on one (no lengthy social media posts yet…. I’m hoping to find the right words to say someday!). I’m mostly met with ‘I had no idea’, ‘I’m sorry’, or ‘you are fine now’. I’m surprised by how many people have responded with ‘I/my wife also had ppd’. I kind of put it in the category of things that people have a connection to but don’t like to talk about because it’s too real/raw and unknown, not to mention the fact that it’s MENTAL illness. I did have a couple people say things like ‘I’ve been sad before’, ‘I’ve tired too’, ‘I don’t like to do chores either’, ‘I would rather stay in bed too’…… clearly those people don’t realize that it’s so much deeper, lonelier, dark, and heavy than being sad, tired, and such. Maybe it’s because Chase and I are connected to AFSP and have lost friends to Suicide but I am pretty comfortable to meet those comments with something like ‘I’m thankful you don’t know the depth of isolation some people feel in a room full of people’ or ‘it is confusing to understand; I wouldn’t have known the difference either until I experienced it myself’. I feel like that’s a kind way of saying check yourself. I also feel like talking about ppd takes the power away from it and gives it back to me.

I also should add in that my small group, yoga and living life more intentionally (think semi minimalism but without hard boundaries) have helped. -A community of eclectic women to rally and support you through Christ is irreplaceable. -Yoga allows me some me time, to focus on getting physically stronger, as well as emotionally. -Living an intentional life has helped me realize HOW bogged down I felt by stuff….and that I don’t really need 5 spatulas or 20 miss matched cups from our days in Ames.

‘Be kind and compassionate to everyone’ is a verse from the Bible (Ephesians 4:32). We literally have it hanging in our kitchen now thanks to a friend with insane lettering skills.

If I could talk to 14 months ago self or someone going though it….. yikes. That’s a hard one. I would maybe sum it up with “Be kind and compassionate to everyone”…. including yourself. Mental illness is so hard. A broken bone gets you a cast for 8 weeks where as Ppd gets you therapy and meds for an undetermined amount of time. Since it’s so strongly connected to hormones it’s hard to say how long it lasts or if you’d get it again. A friend helped me out a lot recently when she said that the first anniversaries are hard. I had no idea that something as small as the first isu tailgate of the year would stir up so many emotions. The last 1st tailgated the season I went to I felt like I had a dark cloud over my head and 200 pound weights on my shoulders. Ppd impacted every area of my life: family planning to tailgating and everything in between. Another friend who had recently gone through ppd had mentioned ptsd. Initially I thought, ‘I wasn’t a first responder or in the military’. She’s a smarty pants though. It was a traumatic experience. I feel like she may have hit the nail on the head. I am beyond blessed with a great village around me. I call them My Safe People. People that I could confine in early on who somehow know the things I need to hear at that moment.

October 21, 2018