Tag: words

  • kirsten’s truth • motherhood

    kirsten’s truth • motherhood

    I first met Kirsten and her babies last spring time for their family session, and upon first impression, she looks like a momma with all of her ish together. Not that Kirsten doesn’t have her “ish” together, but I never would have thought she felt the way she does. And that’s kind of the point of all this. PPD and PPA does not present itself on the outside. Oftentimes, it’s those mommas who look together who are struggling internally. Because PPD/PPA manifests itself differently, a lot of us who have it often don’t realize we have it until we become more knowledgeable. Sometimes you feel the overwhelming urge to understand what’s happening, to figure out how to “fix” things, and sometimes you’re just super mad or anxious and you don’t know why. Kirsten’s words resonated with me a lot, and I’m sure a lot of you ladies reading this will connect with her too. If you’re a mother (or a person in general) who downplays your feelings or feels the need to control your problems by constantly searching for the answer, you’ll connect with Kirsten’s motherhood. In speaking with her, I felt a sense of peace knowing that it doesn’t matter how bad you are. If it’s affecting you, it matters. Read on for this amazing lady and her truth!

    Kirsten’s Story • Possible Trigger Warning //

    I have struggled with depression and anxiety since high school/college, so I’m sure I was predisposed and more susceptible when my hormones were all jacked up from pregnancy and delivery. After my first child over 3.5 years ago, I was hard on myself with the way my body now looked and was exhausted from having and taking care of a new baby. I didn’t tell many people about my feelings because I was convinced this was normal and every woman has these feelings. Yes, they do but that shouldn’t dismiss the feelings or thoughts that I had. After having my second child, almost 19 months ago, the feelings of depression and anxiety hit me hard. I, again, thought it was normal and every woman feels this way, so I buried it and just gave it time for them to go away. I felt incredibly anxious all the time with everything. I felt anxious to go back to work, about my body/weight, my marriage after having 2 kids, no sex drive, etc. I wasn’t sleeping the best, felt on edge most of the time, but also felt exhausted at the same time. I was always trying to “figure out” the kids. If they slept one night and didn’t the other, it rattled me and I was fixated on “fixing” the issue. I would lay awake at night staring at the monitor. I would turn it off somerimes to try and get some sleep but would be anxious it was off and couldn’t tell what they were doing. It felt like a lose-lose situation.

    About 9 months postpartum, I had multiple conversations with my husband about not feeling like myself. It wasn’t fair to him or the kids, but most importantly, feeling this way wasn’t fair to myself. I decided to go and talk with our family doctor but in the back of my head still had thoughts of “this isn’t that bad” or “everyone feels this way”. She ran blood work for my thyroid and hemoglobin to rule those out. I think deep down, I knew what the issue was but hoping it was something else. She wanted me to try a medication for my hormones to level out. Calling it postpartum depression/anxiety. I have been on it since Feb. and have felt much better. At that same time, I joined a moms small group at my church. It has truly turned my life around! Meeting and chatting with these women every week has helped me tremendously with working through my feelings but also realize that motherhood takes a village! Its hard and never easy. It is so worth it and I absolutely love my kids but somedays; I don’t want to parent. Somedays, I don’t feel like i can parent or I’m doing nothing right or riding the struggle bus but at the end of the day, I know I’m never alone! God has blessed me to be a mom to my two kids! Through this whole process, my husband has been very supportive. He could tell I wasn’t myself but never pushed me to do anything I didn’t want to do. If I needed space, he did. If I needed to talk, we did. I don’t think he fully understood what I was feeling but how could he?! Dads don’t have the same feelings as moms do. They haven’t gone through everything we have. But still, he wanted to understand and more importantly, wanted me to feel better and be myself again!

    There is a definite stigma out there with ppd or ppa, that the mom is weak or just can’t handle the feelings. SO UNTRUE! It is very common and to a certain degree normal, but the spectrum of thoughts and feelings that go along with ppd or ppa is huge. Nothing should be dismissed as too small or not important. If it matters to the mom, then its important to be talked about! The one thing I would recommend to a mom in this situation would be to act on it sooner rather than later! That may mean medication, talking to a therapist, small group, close friend, etc. Talking about it is just so important! Getting those thoughts and feelings out there helps more than I ever realized. Present day…….it’s still a work in a progress. Every day can be challenging. I’m still a little anxious about certain things and I’m hard on myself about other things but overall a lot better than I was at the beginning of the year. At some point in the next couple months, I would like to try and wean off the medication, but see how my body handles it as well. Motherhood is challenging and can be dark at times, but so rewarding and is a blessing as well! It’s a journey, that’s for sure!

  • natalie’s truth • motherhood

    natalie’s truth • motherhood

     

    Ankeny Family Photography

     

    Before motherhood became a more prominent factor in my life, I’ll admit that I was embarrassingly ignorant to a lot of what it entails. I didn’t understand why fake pregnancy announcements were hurtful, I had *NO* idea how conceiving a child & carrying it to full term heatlhy was truly a freaking miracle (think about it though – isn’t it?!). And I didn’t even get why it was so bad to ask “when are ya gonna have a baby?” I bet some of you are thinking “Yeah, me too!” It’s not something anyone educates you on unless you’re in a certain profession or are just exposed to these things firstand. It’s something you oftentimes have to experience personally to really get it.

    The way I felt reading Natalie’s story shocked me again in how ignorant I felt. Before I continue, I hope that by reading this post – you’re in a non-judgmental place. A lot of us are saying things from very vulnerable places when we open up on this series. We admit things aloud that we might not have said before and we oftentimes admit past thinking. Natalie and I discussed the types of lingering comments from others and we both admitted “I’ve said those things to someone before I truly knew what kind of pain it could cause.” By talking and learning and sharing, we can try to be a little bit more empathetic towards other people.

    There’s really not a proper introduction from me to give Natalie’s story what it deserves. I will say that I learned a lot talking to her. She’s pretty freaking amazing – Her journey through motherhood had me smiling, in tears, and most of all grateful that such BA women open up their hearts to me. <3 <3

    Natalie’s Story • Possible trigger warning //

    AJ and I got pregnant super fast with Levi. I came off my birth control and was pregnant before I even had a period. I didn’t know I was pregnant with him until I was 6 weeks along, after we went to the doctor to figure out why I didn’t have a period. A pregnancy was why! So we figured the second time around, we would plan it out more. I got off my pill and waited a month to make sure I got a period, then we started trying. That was July 2016. By January 2017, I was feeling like something wasn’t right. At my yearly OB checkup, I asked about clomid. She agreed to try it, so I was on that until June. It was terrible. I gained about 20 pounds and became a raging lunatic. When that didnt work, my OB sent me for an HSG scan…basically they inject dye into your uterus to view your fallopian tubes. At the same time, AJ had a sperm count done. I knew deep down this was probably on me. During the HSG, they weren’t able to view my left tube at all. After that, my OB sent us to the infertility doctor. I was really upset, but ready to come up with a plan. Dr. Cooper was amazing…he had this comforting demeanor and even said at the end of our consultation that he was going to put a baby in me haha. He told us we had secondary infertility that was unexplained. He reassured me i could still get pregnant with a bum tube and told AJ he had “michael phelps” swimmers. He took me off clomid and put me on femara. We were going to try that for six months.

    By the end of the 3rd month, I was defeated. The femara raised my levels and gave me all the signs of ovulation but still no baby. It was like every month I would hold out hope, fall apart, pick myself back up, and do it again. I was even more upset because a few people I know got pregnant when they didn’t want to be. I blocked people who were vocal about how much they hated being pregnant. People would say things like, well at least it’s fun trying! Or at least you have Levi! I would smile but I felt broken inside. I got some advice from a good friend and a family member who had been through it and called and requested to do the IUI our 4th month on femara. We did the IUI and femara, and got pregnant with Theo. They monitored be closely for the first 12 weeks at the infertility clinic then released me to the ob. At week 13, I started bleeding. I bleed off and on until about week 18. It was horrible…I was terrified that i was going to lose this baby we worked so hard for. I think were I work didnt help–we see a lot of miscarriages in the PACU, so every little twinge i was nervous about. It wasn’t until about week 30 that I really started to feel comfortable and calm about the pregnancy. AJ and I are incredibly grateful to Dr. Cooper. We also acknowledge that we are incredibly lucky…we were ready to go all in for IVF. Our infertility story is actually a short one…about 16months before we got pregnant.

    my biggest struggle I think was feeling like it was my fault. I held a lot of guilt, even before I had my HSG done. I somehow knew it was on me. Even after being reassured by Dr. Cooper than I only need 1 good tube, I still carried that weight. Every month I would hold out hope and then fall apart alone in my bathroom, pick myself up and face the world with a smile. It’s a lonely feeling, even if you have support from all over.

    There were times when AJ was great and there were times when he wasnt the greatest. I felt really bad for him when I was on the clomid…I was a raging bitch and he put up with it. Even Dr. Cooper said it was hard to have sex with someone when you feel like you hate them. Its one of the many side effects of the clomid. For the most part, he was super supportive. He never made me feel like he blamed me for anything. The hard times were the scheduled sex sessions. It takes a toll on your relationship. It’s not fun. It’s not romantic. Its work…and it was work without a positive outcome. That’s where we had the most struggles and fights. We even took a break from trying one month just to clear the funk. This entire process has brought us so much closer. He is amazingly supportive and just gets me. He knows exactly what I need, even if it is just for him to hold me a little closer at night. I couldn’t imagine going through this with anyone else. both of our families were very supportive as well. They backed us 100% with our decisions. My mom was the best—she was able to talk me down a lot and reassured me that no matter what she supported me. AJ and I are so grateful for all the people in our lives who helped us in ways they didnt even know.

    Of all the things people say, probably the bad comments linger the most. People would ask us when we are going to have another baby…a lot. It was like a knife to the gut. The worst was if we were open and honest, people would say things like, “at least you have levi” or “calm down, have a bottle of wine, it will happen.” Or my favorite, “at least you get to have fun trying!” This was not fun. A family member of mine and a good friend have been through infertility treatments before, and they helped me a lot. Their confidence and just saying, I know what you are going through was comforting. There was also a girl I previously worked with who was going through infertility as well, and we would comment on each others inspirational instagrams without ever coming out and officially saying what was going on between us. Those 3 were my biggest cheerleaders in their own ways. A good friend of mine got pregnant while we were trying. She was there for me through the entire process and was one of the first people I told. I’m really lucky to have her as a friend…shes like an Iowa sister to me haha

    Things don’t work out how you plan them too, and that’s ok. Maybe there’s a reason all this is happening…something bigger than what you see now. Just because plan A, B, and C didn’t work out doesn’t mean plan D wont either. Hold your head up mama, you’ll get there…one way or another. You’ll get there.</p

  • cassi’s truth • motherhood

    cassi’s truth • motherhood

    I am so thrilled to share with you all the story of Cassi (and her cutie Gemma!) I am also nervous and keep going back and forth on how I want to share these stories, so forgive me as I’m sure there will be a variety in the way I present these. I think the best way to share the stories of others is to directly post their words. So what you will see is from their hearts directly. It’s so incredibly humbling when you put yourself out there and ask for others to also be vulnerable. Cassi’s story had me in tears and as you can see by her photos, she and her baby girl are so in love. What this project has definitely taught me is that you don’t know what secrets someone has – On the outside, they might appear happy and together, and they may not share their life so openly with others – but everyone (or mostly everyone) has a truth that would shock you. So many times in talking to these amazing woman, I found myself thinking “Wow, I had NO idea.” And that’s the point of this. We are all battling something and we all need support and to be free of judgment. As women, we are taught to be strong and brave and keep our mouths shut with our struggles or we will be weak. It’s hard. But we can all come forward and share our battles and STILL be strong.

    Cassi’s Story • Possible trigger warnings //

    My story as a mom… I suppose it really starts in 2016. My husband and I were trying to decide if we were ready to start our family. Then in April 2016 my father was murdered. I was left reeling and things between us became complicated as I dealt with that grief. During this time my husband said he was ready to have kids. I felt like I needed to start living again, so I agreed. I thought a new life could bring a beautiful kind of healing to my family and new meaning to my own life. By December of 2016 I had been feeling run down but attributed it to the stress of the year. On December 9th I had a miscarriage. I hadn’t realized I was pregnant. I was left reeling yet again. My husband said he was unaffected by the loss. In hindsight I should have paid more attention to that statement and what it said about his emotional state. I have never looked forward to a new years like I did in 2016. I clung to it like a lifeline. 2017 would be better. It had to be.

    In early April 2017, I found out I was pregnant with Gemma. I was only a few weeks along and after having a miscarriage I was terrified. I am the type of person who researches everything, so my life became consumed with reading everything I could get my hands on to try and alleviate my fears. I think I had the typical fears. Would I miscarry again? Would this baby be healthy? Would I be able to lose the baby weight? Would I be a good mom? How would my marriage be impacted? Every kick, every pain sent me into a fear spiral. We went in for the first ultrasound and found out the due date. December 9th. My true rainbow baby.

    Personally I found being pregnant emotionally exhausting and lonely. It only got worse when my husband started having an affair with a new coworker when I was 7 months pregnant. The last few months of my pregnancy were pure hell. I frantically grasped on to any excuse I could think of on his behalf, but deep down I knew I was right. He wasn’t even trying hard to hide it. He was belittling, distant and emotionally abusive. Our 10 year relationship was falling apart right in front of me and no matter what I said or did I couldn’t stop it. After a few weeks, it started to take a toll on my health. My blood pressure was spiking and I was on watch for preeclampsia. We also found out the baby breech which meant a c-section. I was still desperately clinging to the hope that there was some other explanation and that things would change when Gemma finally came. They didn’t. The time spent in the hospital is still too painful for me to think about most of the time. He ruined the birth of my child. Something you dream about. He took that from me and so much more. When Gemma was 5 weeks old I confronted my husband again. He left. Suddenly I found myself recovery from surgery. Overwhelmed. Broken. Alone. With a 5 week old. THIS WAS NOT HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE! I wasn’t sure how I was going to pick myself back up or even if I would be able to this time.

    Luckily I have an amazing family and wonderful friends, that once I finally let in on what had been going on the last few months, swooped in and kept me afloat. They loved on Gemma and me and I will be forever grateful to each and every one of them.

    Something I underestimated was the tremendous love I would feel for my child and how that would change me. You hear about it, but I didn’t understand the depth until I became a mother. At first I tried to forgive my Ex for Gemma’s sake. I thought the best thing for her would be an intact family. Then I realized that the best thing I could do for her is show her how a woman, really any human being, should be treated. That it is my job to model healthy relationships to her. Relationships that include respect, honesty, and trust. My marriage had none of that left and if she were in my shoes I would tell her to run. Run as far and as fast as she could. And that is what I ended up doing. There is nothing more motivating than your love for your child to make you fight for yourself, make you fight for her in your divorce settlements. That love lets you push through the exhaustion of being a single parent. The fear, exhaustion, and sleepless nights that I did alone. Night after night. That love also sent me on a journey to heal myself.

    I may not be able to change the story of my marriage, or the fact that her father is willing and capable of betraying and abandoning his family, but I am the ONLY one that can give my daughter a happy and healthy mother, both mentally and physically. I am determined to give her that.

    Becoming a mother has changed every aspect of my life. It has given me a new appreciation for my body, for my family and most of all for sleep. 🙂 It has taught me that I am a lot stronger than I ever realized and that my non confrontational self has a mama bear insider her after all. It has taught me that truly caring for yourself is what allows you to care for others. This has been the hardest and yet, most rewarding journey of my life. Every sacrifice has been worth it.

    One of the hardest parts of the healing process has been grieving the dreams you had, while learning to find joy in the new ones. My dreams about meeting my child and being so in love with your little family. Dreams of watching my husband and child bond. Sitting together at her graduation. Those dreams will never be realized the way I imagined them now, but I am learning to reshape them. And who knows, the future reality may be even better than my dreams.

    When we first split people told me that Gemma would be better off and that eventually I would appreciate the time she has to spend with my ex. At first it took everything in me to react very poorly to put it diplomatically. Inside i wanted to tell them where they could put that advice. After some space and time I am coming to see what they meant. It still kills me to hand my daughter over to someone who has proven he doesn’t put her interests first and who frankly doesn’t deserve to be part of her life, but those few hours allow me to reset and be a better mother. Between work and being a single mom I don’t have a lot of time to myself so those two afternoons a month really do help.

    My advice for single moms would be find your community and admit when you need help.

    For people betrayed by a spouse. Wow, It’s hard to pick just one, but the biggest realization for me was that affairs are abuse. Your partner has to emotionally abuse you to hide the affair and they put your health at risk if it is also a physical affair. Once that sinks in, it’s easier to move on. Get help for yourself and your children