Tag: toddler

  • BRENNAN FAMILY • IOWA CITY FAMILY PHOTOGRAPHER • LAKE MACBRIDE

    BRENNAN FAMILY • IOWA CITY FAMILY PHOTOGRAPHER • LAKE MACBRIDE

    Families dancing in the sun, doing their thing, maybe a little bit of chaos. I LOVE THAT. An outdoor family session out by the lake – sometimes Iowa can be really beautiful, but a sweet family and a sunset – perfection. The Brennan family and I met way back last year for their really super hot extended family session – like HOT as in we were melting, but they’re a pretty fire family too! I absolutely love when families come back year after year (I’ve only been doing this a few years, but stiiiilll.) A perfect first day of fall session – we met at Lake Macbride and the five-o errr quint family and I just hung out and played. I have one child, but I’d like to think that I know generally how kids will behave during sessions. I will tell you, 8/10 they’re not going to just sit and smile and do what you say. The stakes are high, folks. Come ready to play and cuddle and DO – we gotta figure out what sweet & unique ways your family smiles together. Come as you are and I will capture that.

  • kirsten’s truth • motherhood

    kirsten’s truth • motherhood

    I first met Kirsten and her babies last spring time for their family session, and upon first impression, she looks like a momma with all of her ish together. Not that Kirsten doesn’t have her “ish” together, but I never would have thought she felt the way she does. And that’s kind of the point of all this. PPD and PPA does not present itself on the outside. Oftentimes, it’s those mommas who look together who are struggling internally. Because PPD/PPA manifests itself differently, a lot of us who have it often don’t realize we have it until we become more knowledgeable. Sometimes you feel the overwhelming urge to understand what’s happening, to figure out how to “fix” things, and sometimes you’re just super mad or anxious and you don’t know why. Kirsten’s words resonated with me a lot, and I’m sure a lot of you ladies reading this will connect with her too. If you’re a mother (or a person in general) who downplays your feelings or feels the need to control your problems by constantly searching for the answer, you’ll connect with Kirsten’s motherhood. In speaking with her, I felt a sense of peace knowing that it doesn’t matter how bad you are. If it’s affecting you, it matters. Read on for this amazing lady and her truth!

    Kirsten’s Story • Possible Trigger Warning //

    I have struggled with depression and anxiety since high school/college, so I’m sure I was predisposed and more susceptible when my hormones were all jacked up from pregnancy and delivery. After my first child over 3.5 years ago, I was hard on myself with the way my body now looked and was exhausted from having and taking care of a new baby. I didn’t tell many people about my feelings because I was convinced this was normal and every woman has these feelings. Yes, they do but that shouldn’t dismiss the feelings or thoughts that I had. After having my second child, almost 19 months ago, the feelings of depression and anxiety hit me hard. I, again, thought it was normal and every woman feels this way, so I buried it and just gave it time for them to go away. I felt incredibly anxious all the time with everything. I felt anxious to go back to work, about my body/weight, my marriage after having 2 kids, no sex drive, etc. I wasn’t sleeping the best, felt on edge most of the time, but also felt exhausted at the same time. I was always trying to “figure out” the kids. If they slept one night and didn’t the other, it rattled me and I was fixated on “fixing” the issue. I would lay awake at night staring at the monitor. I would turn it off somerimes to try and get some sleep but would be anxious it was off and couldn’t tell what they were doing. It felt like a lose-lose situation.

    About 9 months postpartum, I had multiple conversations with my husband about not feeling like myself. It wasn’t fair to him or the kids, but most importantly, feeling this way wasn’t fair to myself. I decided to go and talk with our family doctor but in the back of my head still had thoughts of “this isn’t that bad” or “everyone feels this way”. She ran blood work for my thyroid and hemoglobin to rule those out. I think deep down, I knew what the issue was but hoping it was something else. She wanted me to try a medication for my hormones to level out. Calling it postpartum depression/anxiety. I have been on it since Feb. and have felt much better. At that same time, I joined a moms small group at my church. It has truly turned my life around! Meeting and chatting with these women every week has helped me tremendously with working through my feelings but also realize that motherhood takes a village! Its hard and never easy. It is so worth it and I absolutely love my kids but somedays; I don’t want to parent. Somedays, I don’t feel like i can parent or I’m doing nothing right or riding the struggle bus but at the end of the day, I know I’m never alone! God has blessed me to be a mom to my two kids! Through this whole process, my husband has been very supportive. He could tell I wasn’t myself but never pushed me to do anything I didn’t want to do. If I needed space, he did. If I needed to talk, we did. I don’t think he fully understood what I was feeling but how could he?! Dads don’t have the same feelings as moms do. They haven’t gone through everything we have. But still, he wanted to understand and more importantly, wanted me to feel better and be myself again!

    There is a definite stigma out there with ppd or ppa, that the mom is weak or just can’t handle the feelings. SO UNTRUE! It is very common and to a certain degree normal, but the spectrum of thoughts and feelings that go along with ppd or ppa is huge. Nothing should be dismissed as too small or not important. If it matters to the mom, then its important to be talked about! The one thing I would recommend to a mom in this situation would be to act on it sooner rather than later! That may mean medication, talking to a therapist, small group, close friend, etc. Talking about it is just so important! Getting those thoughts and feelings out there helps more than I ever realized. Present day…….it’s still a work in a progress. Every day can be challenging. I’m still a little anxious about certain things and I’m hard on myself about other things but overall a lot better than I was at the beginning of the year. At some point in the next couple months, I would like to try and wean off the medication, but see how my body handles it as well. Motherhood is challenging and can be dark at times, but so rewarding and is a blessing as well! It’s a journey, that’s for sure!

  • natalie’s truth • motherhood

    natalie’s truth • motherhood

     

    Ankeny Family Photography

     

    Before motherhood became a more prominent factor in my life, I’ll admit that I was embarrassingly ignorant to a lot of what it entails. I didn’t understand why fake pregnancy announcements were hurtful, I had *NO* idea how conceiving a child & carrying it to full term heatlhy was truly a freaking miracle (think about it though – isn’t it?!). And I didn’t even get why it was so bad to ask “when are ya gonna have a baby?” I bet some of you are thinking “Yeah, me too!” It’s not something anyone educates you on unless you’re in a certain profession or are just exposed to these things firstand. It’s something you oftentimes have to experience personally to really get it.

    The way I felt reading Natalie’s story shocked me again in how ignorant I felt. Before I continue, I hope that by reading this post – you’re in a non-judgmental place. A lot of us are saying things from very vulnerable places when we open up on this series. We admit things aloud that we might not have said before and we oftentimes admit past thinking. Natalie and I discussed the types of lingering comments from others and we both admitted “I’ve said those things to someone before I truly knew what kind of pain it could cause.” By talking and learning and sharing, we can try to be a little bit more empathetic towards other people.

    There’s really not a proper introduction from me to give Natalie’s story what it deserves. I will say that I learned a lot talking to her. She’s pretty freaking amazing – Her journey through motherhood had me smiling, in tears, and most of all grateful that such BA women open up their hearts to me. <3 <3

    Natalie’s Story • Possible trigger warning //

    AJ and I got pregnant super fast with Levi. I came off my birth control and was pregnant before I even had a period. I didn’t know I was pregnant with him until I was 6 weeks along, after we went to the doctor to figure out why I didn’t have a period. A pregnancy was why! So we figured the second time around, we would plan it out more. I got off my pill and waited a month to make sure I got a period, then we started trying. That was July 2016. By January 2017, I was feeling like something wasn’t right. At my yearly OB checkup, I asked about clomid. She agreed to try it, so I was on that until June. It was terrible. I gained about 20 pounds and became a raging lunatic. When that didnt work, my OB sent me for an HSG scan…basically they inject dye into your uterus to view your fallopian tubes. At the same time, AJ had a sperm count done. I knew deep down this was probably on me. During the HSG, they weren’t able to view my left tube at all. After that, my OB sent us to the infertility doctor. I was really upset, but ready to come up with a plan. Dr. Cooper was amazing…he had this comforting demeanor and even said at the end of our consultation that he was going to put a baby in me haha. He told us we had secondary infertility that was unexplained. He reassured me i could still get pregnant with a bum tube and told AJ he had “michael phelps” swimmers. He took me off clomid and put me on femara. We were going to try that for six months.

    By the end of the 3rd month, I was defeated. The femara raised my levels and gave me all the signs of ovulation but still no baby. It was like every month I would hold out hope, fall apart, pick myself back up, and do it again. I was even more upset because a few people I know got pregnant when they didn’t want to be. I blocked people who were vocal about how much they hated being pregnant. People would say things like, well at least it’s fun trying! Or at least you have Levi! I would smile but I felt broken inside. I got some advice from a good friend and a family member who had been through it and called and requested to do the IUI our 4th month on femara. We did the IUI and femara, and got pregnant with Theo. They monitored be closely for the first 12 weeks at the infertility clinic then released me to the ob. At week 13, I started bleeding. I bleed off and on until about week 18. It was horrible…I was terrified that i was going to lose this baby we worked so hard for. I think were I work didnt help–we see a lot of miscarriages in the PACU, so every little twinge i was nervous about. It wasn’t until about week 30 that I really started to feel comfortable and calm about the pregnancy. AJ and I are incredibly grateful to Dr. Cooper. We also acknowledge that we are incredibly lucky…we were ready to go all in for IVF. Our infertility story is actually a short one…about 16months before we got pregnant.

    my biggest struggle I think was feeling like it was my fault. I held a lot of guilt, even before I had my HSG done. I somehow knew it was on me. Even after being reassured by Dr. Cooper than I only need 1 good tube, I still carried that weight. Every month I would hold out hope and then fall apart alone in my bathroom, pick myself up and face the world with a smile. It’s a lonely feeling, even if you have support from all over.

    There were times when AJ was great and there were times when he wasnt the greatest. I felt really bad for him when I was on the clomid…I was a raging bitch and he put up with it. Even Dr. Cooper said it was hard to have sex with someone when you feel like you hate them. Its one of the many side effects of the clomid. For the most part, he was super supportive. He never made me feel like he blamed me for anything. The hard times were the scheduled sex sessions. It takes a toll on your relationship. It’s not fun. It’s not romantic. Its work…and it was work without a positive outcome. That’s where we had the most struggles and fights. We even took a break from trying one month just to clear the funk. This entire process has brought us so much closer. He is amazingly supportive and just gets me. He knows exactly what I need, even if it is just for him to hold me a little closer at night. I couldn’t imagine going through this with anyone else. both of our families were very supportive as well. They backed us 100% with our decisions. My mom was the best—she was able to talk me down a lot and reassured me that no matter what she supported me. AJ and I are so grateful for all the people in our lives who helped us in ways they didnt even know.

    Of all the things people say, probably the bad comments linger the most. People would ask us when we are going to have another baby…a lot. It was like a knife to the gut. The worst was if we were open and honest, people would say things like, “at least you have levi” or “calm down, have a bottle of wine, it will happen.” Or my favorite, “at least you get to have fun trying!” This was not fun. A family member of mine and a good friend have been through infertility treatments before, and they helped me a lot. Their confidence and just saying, I know what you are going through was comforting. There was also a girl I previously worked with who was going through infertility as well, and we would comment on each others inspirational instagrams without ever coming out and officially saying what was going on between us. Those 3 were my biggest cheerleaders in their own ways. A good friend of mine got pregnant while we were trying. She was there for me through the entire process and was one of the first people I told. I’m really lucky to have her as a friend…shes like an Iowa sister to me haha

    Things don’t work out how you plan them too, and that’s ok. Maybe there’s a reason all this is happening…something bigger than what you see now. Just because plan A, B, and C didn’t work out doesn’t mean plan D wont either. Hold your head up mama, you’ll get there…one way or another. You’ll get there.</p

  • megan’s truth • motherhood

    megan’s truth • motherhood

    I’m just going to start this post with something like, I’ve written a thousand different beginnings and none of them seem to feel right or good enough for what I have to share about Megan. Talking with Megan has been so refreshing – refreshing in the fact that I feel like someone gets what I’ve been going through. Isn’t that the point of this all, though? To connect mothers and women with similar stories so we don’t feel alone? PPD is so hard to explain and talk about; it’s hard to type about it and find the right verbiage for how it made you feel and examples of things that triggered you.

    When I spoke with Megan, I just connected with her and her story. Basically, PPD sucks. It just feels like a whole lot of terrible shit all at once. One thing that really connected me with Megan was her openness and honesty about not wanting to or being able to bond with her baby. I think when someone hears you say that, it can go two different ways. The first being “How can a mother not want to bond with her baby? That’s terrible.” Or the second, and the one I felt so much, “Thank you for saying this out loud because I feel the same and it’s the hardest feeling to admit.”

    It’s hard to compare the two experiences because I could focus on Loc 100% since he was an only child. With Elodie as our second child she had a lot less one on one time. Partly because I didn’t want to and partly because logistically I couldn’t. One of my favorite things to do when Lochlan was a baby, was to snuggle nap him on my weekday off. Wednesday’s were regularly filled with cleaning while wearing him, staring at his beautiful grumpy old man looking face, and allowing him to nurse for as long as he wanted in the afternoon. One day we both fell asleep and he was latched for 5 hours. Dishes could wait. I was able to snuggle my boy uninterrupted and nap! Glorious. With Elodie I never did that and never really wanted to. I remember wanting to want to, if that makes sense? I tried to justify it for my own sake—

    If you have felt that way or are feeling that way – it’s okay. You’re not alone. There is a certain grief that mothers carry when we look back at those times when our PPD was the worst. We mourn not being able to have had the experience we wished we could have – . We feel guilty and that guilt can destroy us. There were times with Forest when I was just so tired and mad that I just didn’t want to be around him and it was really hard to connect – sometimes it was because he never stopped crying and other times it was because of my PPD. I look back on those times and it breaks me. I wish I would have had a baby that didn’t cry so much and I wish I would have been happier sooner.

    I think when you read Megan’s story, you’re going to see how amazing she is. She is truly admirable and optimistic and I am so thankful to have met her and learned from her.

    Megan’s story • Possible trigger warning //

    I had 0 ppd issues with our first. I think that’s why this smacked me like a bus so much. I’m a self-employed cosmetologist/make up artist, so maternity leave is a little different for me. I took 3 weeks off with our son, Lochlan, and took 6 weeks with our daughter, Elodie. I feel like the ‘extended’ isolation could have played into it but from my understanding you’re at a higher risk if you have traumatic experiences leading up to birth or a history of mental illness.

    With ppd I felt anxious, angry, detached, isolated, confused, agitated, and like I was a burden to everyone around me. I physically felt that I had this haze around me at all times. Like when your car windshield is fogged over— you can see through it but can’t see well enough to safely get anywhere. However, I have also felt more connected to my faith in the last 14 months. I have leaned on God so much more than I ever have before. I pray and give Him thanks far more now. I have a new appreciation for the beautifully simple things that I couldn’t see while I had ppd and had overlooked prior to that

    I didn’t love the newborn stage with Loc but didn’t realize it until he was more interactive. I never felt appalled by him though. Unfortunately, I did with EJ. I am comfortable now with knowing that I am not a newborn person like most women are. Babies are fun but toddlers are a lot more fun.

    Unfortunately my memory from the first 9 months of her life is foggy (imagine it to being super drunk? You remember parts but it’s spotty). EJ had acid reflux so that was hard; she couldn’t lay dow glad without screaming for the first 2 months. However, other than that she was great. She nursed well, gained weight well, slept well (for a newborn), is a pretty chill lady overall .

    I am a big believer in therapy. It’s one of God’s greatest gifts to us. Our parents had my brother and I go when we were in elementary/middle school as they went through a divorce. They also encouraged it again when Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 19. Thankfully I was established with an awesome Therapist already (off and on as life happens for the past few years), so reaching out to her was very easy. Within the first 10 min, of my first appt back in probably a year, she brought up ppd. I truly had no idea what ppd ACTUALLY was. We hear it thrown around at doc appts but I didn’t realize that ppd was why I didn’t know our daughter and didn’t really care to know her sometimes. Knowing now what I do about ppd it was so textbook. I didn’t have an urge to hurt her  but that’s about the only one I didn’t feel.

    I have fallen so much more in love with my husband, Chase, over the last 14 months. He has been a rock for our family and for me. He has never once down played or dismissed what we’re going though. (Side note— I say we instead of I when talking about ppd a lot. I am the one who had it but it impacted our entire family.) Chase picked up the slack when i couldn’t; physically and emotionally. One of my favorite things about him through this has been his compassionate honesty. It was Chase that suggest I consider meds (shout out to Sertaleine lol). He also 100% backs me with my choice to not have any more biological children at this time. Our ‘plan’ (can you hear God laughing!? ) was to start trying for baby #3 in August. It was hard to come to the realization that I wasn’t ready for that, and might never be. I chose to change our family plan and he met it with nothing but love and validation of my feelings. We have talked about fostering and/or adopting but are pushing pause on that for now, too. I had him watch When the Bough Breaks on Netflix about 10 months ago and it really helped him understand what I was going though but couldn’t communicate.

    I talk to people all day every day as a cosmetologist. I have felt more comfortable with my ppd the last 4ish months and have been open about it one on one (no lengthy social media posts yet…. I’m hoping to find the right words to say someday!). I’m mostly met with ‘I had no idea’, ‘I’m sorry’, or ‘you are fine now’. I’m surprised by how many people have responded with ‘I/my wife also had ppd’. I kind of put it in the category of things that people have a connection to but don’t like to talk about because it’s too real/raw and unknown, not to mention the fact that it’s MENTAL illness. I did have a couple people say things like ‘I’ve been sad before’, ‘I’ve tired too’, ‘I don’t like to do chores either’, ‘I would rather stay in bed too’…… clearly those people don’t realize that it’s so much deeper, lonelier, dark, and heavy than being sad, tired, and such. Maybe it’s because Chase and I are connected to AFSP and have lost friends to Suicide but I am pretty comfortable to meet those comments with something like ‘I’m thankful you don’t know the depth of isolation some people feel in a room full of people’ or ‘it is confusing to understand; I wouldn’t have known the difference either until I experienced it myself’. I feel like that’s a kind way of saying check yourself. I also feel like talking about ppd takes the power away from it and gives it back to me.

    I also should add in that my small group, yoga and living life more intentionally (think semi minimalism but without hard boundaries) have helped. -A community of eclectic women to rally and support you through Christ is irreplaceable. -Yoga allows me some me time, to focus on getting physically stronger, as well as emotionally. -Living an intentional life has helped me realize HOW bogged down I felt by stuff….and that I don’t really need 5 spatulas or 20 miss matched cups from our days in Ames.

    ‘Be kind and compassionate to everyone’ is a verse from the Bible (Ephesians 4:32). We literally have it hanging in our kitchen now thanks to a friend with insane lettering skills.

    If I could talk to 14 months ago self or someone going though it….. yikes. That’s a hard one. I would maybe sum it up with “Be kind and compassionate to everyone”…. including yourself. Mental illness is so hard. A broken bone gets you a cast for 8 weeks where as Ppd gets you therapy and meds for an undetermined amount of time. Since it’s so strongly connected to hormones it’s hard to say how long it lasts or if you’d get it again. A friend helped me out a lot recently when she said that the first anniversaries are hard. I had no idea that something as small as the first isu tailgate of the year would stir up so many emotions. The last 1st tailgated the season I went to I felt like I had a dark cloud over my head and 200 pound weights on my shoulders. Ppd impacted every area of my life: family planning to tailgating and everything in between. Another friend who had recently gone through ppd had mentioned ptsd. Initially I thought, ‘I wasn’t a first responder or in the military’. She’s a smarty pants though. It was a traumatic experience. I feel like she may have hit the nail on the head. I am beyond blessed with a great village around me. I call them My Safe People. People that I could confine in early on who somehow know the things I need to hear at that moment.